I thought this was funny. Here is the link.

"All across the SEC, fans are crying. That's because Mike Shula is no longer the football coach of the University of Alabama.

This is all the more surprising because 11 of the 12 fan bases in the SEC were fervent Shula supporters. Why? Because Shula had redefined the field goal kicking legacy at Alabama. There was talk that soon the Lou Groza Award was going to be renamed in Shula's honor. Now that's completely out the window. So sad.

Hey Mike -- bring back the Bear on your way out! (Getty Images)

Gone will be the steely-eyed indecision, the clenched-jaw before reckless handoffs into the center of the line, the fetal position as the preferred method to keep from fumbling, and the coach who you knew, no matter what, would find a way to lose each game that he trailed in the fourth quarter.

Some people say that reliability is a thing of the past. I say that's balderdash. There was no surer bet than Mike Shula losing when he trailed in the fourth quarter.

The guys behind keepmikeshula.com are, predictably, in mourning. Even though the site isn't draped with pixelated black bunting, it should be. Here is part of their advice on how to cope:

"Perhaps you feel that the Bear isn't listening -- that often your cries for help seem to be unheeded. Your heart echoes the cries of despair and desolation of the ghosts of Bama past, who kept calling out to Bear for deliverance. Remember that that Bear answered them, sometimes in unexpected ways, and not always while sober. Sometimes, of course, you are meant to raise your crimson shaker and mix up a fresh George Dickel your own damn self!"

It's readily apparent that Alabama fans have reacted to Shula's dismissal with characteristic rationality and the complete and utter modesty for which they have attained universal renown. The search for Shula's replacement has already commenced and rumors run rampant on the message boards as to who the new coach will be. Everyone has an inside source, a friend with connections, each message board poster is eternally the third cousin twice-removed of the guy who pilots the university plane.

Thanks to my newfound SEC street cred over the DDT, I was able to get a list of the top 11 candidates that the Alabama search committee has vetted along with their notes analyzing the pros and cons of each candidate. I have changed nothing from this list and replicate it forthwith for your own perusal:

1. Bear Bryant -- Pros: Won 14 million national championships and once wrestled a bear. Cons: Is currently still dead (confirm?).

2. Jesus Christ -- Pros: Once rose from the dead, ergo long hours are not going to be an issue. Healed the sick, made fish for thousands, and other miracles. Plus, He has been crucified so being burned in effigy after He loses to Auburn for the sixth consecutive year will not be a big deal. Cons: There have been suggestions that He gets the benefit of the doubt because of who His father is. And we've been through that already.

3. Bear Bryant -- Pros: Won 14 million national championships and once wrestled a bear. Cons: After diligent inquiry, body exhumation and shock treatment to remains, sadly, the Bear remains dead.

4. Moses -- Pros: Pretty strong disciplinarian. Was involved in the Ten Commandments. Cons: Rigid adherence to the Ten Commandments makes recruiting harder. Also, he has a beard. The Bear did not have a beard.

5. Shelley Meyer -- Pros: Is rumored to be the brains behind Florida coach Urban Meyer. This could help us in recruiting by dividing the Meyer family. Plus, since we passed on hiring a black coach, it would be quite a splash to hire football's first female coach. We'd be like that school that hired Goldie Hawn. And we all know how good Wesley Snipes ended up playing for her. Cons: Is a woman. The Bear was not a woman.

6. Bill Belichick -- Pros: Supposedly this Super Bowl is sort of a big deal. He's won three of them. Cons: Bear Bryant would have won, conservatively, 33 million Super Bowls if he had coached in the NFL.

7. Tim Tebow -- Pros: Player-managers have been successful in baseball, why not a scholarship athlete-coach? We'd be revolutionary. The football equivalent of the electric toothbrush. Cons: Tim Tebow doesn't like us.

8. Ed Orgeron -- Pros: Almost as unintelligible as the Bear when he speaks. Cons: Could be charged with several felonies on any given Saturday.

9. That coach from the Friday Night Lights television show -- Pros: Proves to everyone that Alabama can think outside the box (and inside the teletube box, too). That we're able to adapt to new paradigms. That we understand the long tail and how it impacts the rapidity of globalization. (Insert other new-agey business terms here to sound smart for media.) Cons: Football games aren't won with newfangled contraptions like the video cassette recorder or helmets. Everyone knows they're won with houndstooth hats.

10. Tom Berenger -- Pros: Actually played the Bear in a recent movie and is still alive. Also played Jake Taylor in Major League so he knows the importance of turning a losing team around. Cons: Is currently slated to star in the movie The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey. Everyone knows there has only ever been one Christmas Miracle and we aren't even willing to hire Jesus. How would the boosters react?"

The Devil and the Bear

Note: This is written in good fun and is only meant to be funny. Please do not take this seriously. It is my sincere hope that the Bear is indeed in heaven.

On Sunday, Decatur Daily writer Bradley Handwerger wrote an article on the 2006 Iron Bowl. In it was this quote:

"Somewhere in heaven, Paul "Bear" Bryant" must have sat in shock."

It made me laugh. While I'm sure the Bear was in shock, I chuckled at the fact that Handwerger assumed he was in heaven. I cant in fact say that he is not because, well, Im not God. But every account of the Bear I've ever heard stated that even though he was a winner, he was an alcoholic, and not overly friendly. It is common knowledge the he usually had a bottle of Jack in his hand. With that in mind, I have come to the conclusion that Mr Bryant sold his soul to the devil, in exchange for success and championships while at UA. Here is how I think it all went down.

The devil was sitting on top of a rock outside his trailer (in Northport, AL, just outside Tuscalooser) brainstorming on how to gain more support. He brushes over hypnotics, brainwashing, and subliminal messages and agrees that while those might work on a few people, he wanted something that would sweep the area and win him countless number of idiot souls.

Then all of the sudden, a drunk carrying a bottle of Jack and wearing an ugly checkered hat is tumbles into his backyard after running into his clothesline, which his cape was drying on. Another man falling into my alcohol trap, it never fails he thought to himself. After some swift kicks to the head, the man came to. He sat up and looked around and realized who sat in front of him.

"You're. . .y-you're the - !"

"Devil. Yep, thats right. From the look of it, this won't be the last time we meet."

The two conversed for a minute, then Paul had a brilliant idea.

"I have a proposition. Right now, I'm an OK coach, but I want to be great. So great, that people worship me and form a cult in my honor. I want to win championships, cheat and get away with it, and have people dress like me and tattoo pictures of me on their entire back. So, if you can give me these things, you can have my soul."

Now the devil knew that he already had this man's soul. But he envisioned greater things. He thought of all the people who would worship this man, and want to know him and act like him. He knew then he could use this man to gain a large number of souls. The devil of course, would not reveal his plan to Bryant. So he just played along.

"You know what, I think I can do all of those things for you," the devil replied smugly. "Just know when you shake my hand, it is done for good."

The Bear instantly grabbed his hand and shook it rigorously in excitement. "Hell Yeah!" he said. "I'm gonna be the greatest coach in Bama history!"

So as promised, the devil delivered. Bama won many games and 6 championships under the Bear. He created a following so large, that many of those who idolized the Bear passed on this idiotic obsession to their kids and friends, who weren't even alive when it all happened. Many of these didn't even attend the University of Alabama. The devil ended up getting even more souls than he bargained for. Still to this day he wins souls for his cause thanks to the dead drunk. As it turns out, when the Bear died, he didn't even take Bryant's soul. After it was rejected from Heaven, he figured by leaving it in Tuscalooser, it would float around and permeate the place, winning even more souls after people could feel the spirit of the Bear.

Down the road, Auburn people cant help but laugh at the obsession about the Bear and how many people think he is still alive. They know they will never return to the store bought glory that they had experienced.

A few years back, a man named Tommy took the job as the coach at Auburn. God came to him as he slept.

"Tommy, wake up," God called.

"Is that you God?" answered Tommy, as he knew the Lord well.

"Yes, good and faithful servant. I want you to know that I have put you here to defeat Bama. The Bear made a deal with the devil in the past, and I want you to rectify the situation. Everyone knows I'm an Auburn fan, thats why the sun is orange and the sky is blue. I could have prevented the devil to give Bama success, but I let it go so that I could punish them, and let the world see that Auburn is better. Now is that time. Go and share the good news by winning, recruiting, and dominating Bama."

"I will go, Lord. Thank you for choosing me. I promise to glorify you with every win or loss. I will plant your seed in all of my players hearts, making sure that they know that everything is for your glory."

Then God left Tommy, and so it began.

*Since making it a home-home series, Auburn leads 10-2. War Eagle!

On Bama's Fans

Apparently an anonymous Bama student wrote this after being in the student section yesterday.

"The Alabama Student Section at the 2006 Iron Bowl was so rude and classless, I was embarrassed to be wearing my Alabama shirt. College guys were flicking off kids and cursing at them b/c they were just being kids and yelling "War Eagle". The college guys were acting more like children than the actual kids. A guy looked at my sister and said, "They're all b******s!" He said that b/c she was with her husband who is an Auburn fan. How much more classless can you get? I attend the University of Alabama, but I'm not so sure that I'm an actual fan anymore. I have been to many other college football games and I have never seen what I saw Saturday. When the Auburn players' names were called out, Alabama students proceeded to say, "You suck!" after every name. I have never heard that at ANY football game I've ever been to. I hate to say it, but I'm glad Auburn won b/c their fans have a little more class than ANY Alabama fan I've ever met. I have no respect for the Alabama Student section as a whole now. I know that every single college student at Alabama did not act like this Saturday, but for the most part, the student section was an embarrassment."

I have heard quite a few stories about how classless they were. Here is another. Its great to be an Auburn Tiger.

Two Thumbs Up

*Insert token thumb idiom here*

Thumb War, One for the Thumb, Thumbtastic, Thumbs Up, Rule of Thumb, Thumbellina. . . you name it, we will see it in tomorrow's papers.

First of all, WAR DAMN EAGLE! Five in a row is pretty sweet. I was thinking the other day about how I hated that we had gotten so used to dominating Bama. I thought how much it will suck if we ever lose to them again, but i knew it wouldn't be for a while. I was right. For that reason, I think its a good time to go ahead and add "Jordan-Hare West Wing" as the new name of Bama's stadium, because we own it. 6-0 at an opposing teams home turf is redonkulous. Also, Tommy Tuberville Field @ Bryant Denny will suffice. As long as it shows that Aubunr has home field advantage whenever they come. The Auburn football team actually walked out onto the field 1st, which is usually when the home team walks out. How appropriate.

Random thoughts on the game:

I have no clue how they kept CT's hamstring injury on Wed a secret, but I heard/read nothing of it.

Quentin Groves. What a great game. He might as well have been wearing number 75 in Bama's eyes. 2 sacks, 2 forced fumbles. Awesome. Look for him to be SEC Defensive player of the week.

Will Herring was all over the field. That was the first time Id seen him play that well at the LB spot. While he has been good, tonight he was great. What a way to break the consecutive start record.

Kenny had a great game, along with Brad Lester. Brad is special. He runs with some much passion.

Prechae-te It. Thank you Mr. Rodriguez for remembering how to catch.

Cox's number werent anything near decent. They arent as indicative as to how well he played. He managed the game well, eliminated last week's mistakes, and had several clutch throws. Ill take clutch vs. Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson's 2 fumbles and better numbers. However, Wilson is a good QB. Watch out for him next year.

Tristan Davis played well in Eric Brock's stead. Once again, he is electric on KO returns and he made some big hits.

Tray Blackmon also had some big hits. He definitely has a nose for the ball.

Apparently some Bama students were as classless as Terrence Jones. They threw water bottles on the field at our players after the game, and Jones hit Lester/Cox while in their Victory formation. I guess Id wanna hit them too if i never win.

On another note, Kodi Burn's commitment to Auburn is huge. This kid excites me. Ive seen his highlight videos and i watched a video fo him talking about his commitment. He seems very intelligent and very committed to Auburn. This kid will be our next starter in 2008. He will reshirt next year, and will challenge Caudle for the job . I just dont think Caudle or Ensminger have what it takes. Burns is a combination of Jason Campbell and Dameyeune Craig. I expect big things from him. He has a strong arm, and he can run like Vick. Auburn already has 19 in its' recruiting class and its not even recruiting season yet. For anyone interested here is a highlight real and here is his interview

Ouch (Scott)

I said this to my roommate as we walked to the game Saturday morning: “Georgia is a scary team, because Auburn always plays to the perceived talent of our opponent. When we played LSU we knew they were good so we came out and played amazing defense. When we played Ole Miss, Auburn knew they were not good, so we came out and didn’t play well, but good enough to win. When we played Arkansas, Auburn thought they were not good, only Arkansas was very good, and we got beat very badly. Georgia has played below their talent all year long, so their perceived talent is very low, but they still have a lot of actual talent on their team.”

I am not claiming to have called the Georgia upset - I still thought Auburn would win. It turns out this theory of perceived talent was right instead.

It’s the reason I’m a bad student, the Auburn coaching staff were bad coaches, and the UGA coaching staff came away with a much needed upset. Homework. Like myself, the Auburn coaches had not done their homework, and Mark Richt’s team studied like that kid who always sets the curve too high in your hardest class. When Tray Blackmon was lined up to blitz the outside and Dede was covering a back or tight end running outside, Georgia’s offensive coordinator and Mathew Stafford knew that Stafford could run right up the middle.

South Carolina torched Auburn by having their quarterback run the ball when we committed too much to the blitz. The funny part is that while South Carolina’s Syvelle Newton is ridiculously fast, there is no way that Stafford runs 40 yards under 5 seconds, and I’m giving him a running start. The Georgia coaches knew that even though their quarterback wouldn’t win the 100 meter dash at the Special Olympics he would still be able to get a first down on us on some of the most critical downs. They knew what our screen passes looked like, they knew how to exploit our pass protection, they knew our team.

I have not seen much of Georgia this year. I don’t think our coaches have either. Jonathon Wilhite, David Irons, and Jerraud Powers were each outright beaten by the receivers they were covering. Georgia was able to isolate our corners and make play at will. Maybe the secondary missed Eric Brock more than anyone thought they would have (he is probably our best player in the secondary), but our pass coverage was terrible. Our blitzes were either picked up or badly exposed to run up the middle. There is a time for fancy blitzes, but when they do not work, that is the time to give up on sending extra pass rushers.

Homework or no homework, Brandon Cox was making it tough on Auburn too.

Gotta love it

The guys at theauburner never cease to amaze me. Check out their shirts. Good stuff.

Low, even for Bama

This article, written by a Bammer, is pretty ridiculous. The jist of it says: Kick Miss St. out of the SEC, bring in Memphis or Southern Miss. Translated into Bammer speak: Waaaaaaaaah, mommy, Miss St. hit me and made me look like a bunch of little girls. Give them a spanking...Waahhhhhhhh!!

All I have to say is wow. But, if I think on it, it's not that surprising. Bama fans are forced to come up with new ways to deal with inferiority. If the SEC kicks anyone out, it should be the Red Ripple. They are the ones "embarrassing" the conference with their pay for play tactics and booster shenanigans (mind you we have our own booster problems, but paying players isn't quite the same as trying to hire another coach). Face it Bama. You are a lower to mid tier SEC team who got your butts handed to you on Saturday by a pretty talented football team. Just ask Randy Kennedy What I saw, was an O-line that gave Michael Henig plenty of time to throw, and a D-line that gave JP Wilson none. I saw a talented freshman tailback make some big runs (hint, he wasnt wearing crimson). Not to mention the poor coaching and preparation by the UA staff. All Miss St. and Sly Croom lack are a few more big recruits, and a little more consistency and they will be competitive.

In other news, the BCS is still gay. We win by the largest margin of any top 7 team, and we get jumped by Texas. Florida who narrowly beat Vandy and lost to Auburn, remains #4. Im gonna go ahead and call Rutgers beating Louisville. Also, it will be hard pressed to get a Tennessee victory over Arkansas but it can happen. I really thoght USC was gonna do it and I was crushed when Arkansas intercepted them on their game winning drive. Blake Mitchell played well and Sidney Rice made some unbelievable catches. The Hogs are a good football team though. I wasnt surprised to see Mustain struggle. Darren McFadden single handedly won the game against us.

Our game, went for the most part, well. They were sloppy, but the D played much better. John Vaughn for Heisman, or Lou Groza. He deserves it. Ben Tate continues to impress me. The guy can outrun or plow through a defender. He's gonna be an All American. CT looked great, and Lee Guess had a great catch and run. Anyway thats all for now. War Eagle! Go Vols! Go Knights!

Goodbye and Thanks (Scott)

(Warning: the following article contains pathos and cheesiness uncharacteristic of its author specifically the fourth and sixth paragraphs)

My favorite member of the Auburn football staff is retiring this Saturday. It’s not a coach, an administrator, a chaplain, or even a ball boy. Tiger also known as War Eagle VI is retiring from his duties as the official War Eagle. She has witnessed 247 games, 2 undefeated seasons, and 4 SEC titles. Of course she has also seen teams on probation, coaching scandals, and 3 losing seasons. Her record is officially 174-69-4, but she doesn’t know what a win or loss is. The eagle is at every game regardless of the team’s performance, and I think that represents an ideal of Auburn spirit. When we see her flying around the stadium with thousands of fans cheering you see potential.

A paper covered tree on Toomer’s Corner celebrates the past. Auburn won, and the Auburn family celebrated. The few moments where the eagle flies around the stadium celebrates the future, the sixty minutes of fighting coming up. We don’t know if Auburn will win or lose, and those feelings of anticipation for the unknown give every Auburn fan chills as he or she watches the eagle circle the stadium.

Take our across-the-state “friends” at Alabama. They will probably finish their season with a 2-6 SEC record (their two wins being 3 point wins against Vanderbilt and Ole Miss), and an embarrassing fifth strait loss to Auburn. They upgraded their stadium just in time for 92,138 fans to see their storied Crimson Tide to lose to Mississippi State. There is more dread than hope in the eyes of Alabama fans as they looks to the program’s future. Though many Auburn fans can be extremely cynical, deep down there is always hope, and a few weeks out of the year that hope can been seen, heard, and felt as a Golden Eagle circles a stadium of screaming fans.

A line from one of my favorite movies says that “hope is a good, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” As 26 year old Tiger steps down as War Eagle VI, 6 year old Nova steps up as War Eagle VII, and the tradition of hope continues. While no one can definitively determine how the War Eagle tradition started, every fan can confidently believe that the tradition will last as long as Auburn University exists.

The pre-game flight is easily the greatest college football tradition, the midnight yell at Texas A&M or dotting the “i” at Ohio State, may be treasured by Aggies and Buckeyes, but they don’t compare to the inevitable, euphoric feeling that accompanies the War Eagle’s flight. Furthermore, I take utter delight at confusing sports show hosts, by being the Tigers, having tiger mascot named Aubie, having an eagle called Tiger, yelling “War Eagle,” and calling our students Plainsmen.

The latest Tiger has represented Auburn in the Olympics, survived cancer, and is part of a program that teaches thousands of children at the Southeastern Raptor Center each year. Be sure to be at the game early enough this Saturday to see the ceremony retiring her from being an official icon of Auburn, as the bird gets older and moves closer to its dying years. While animals lack that spiritual essence in humanity that I call a soul, Tiger has been the soul of the collective Auburn family for 21 years.

Dear BCS (by Scott)

Dear BCS,

I don’t really know how to say this, but I think it’s time to call it quits. I don’t think I could get through this in person, so I hope you’ll accept this letter.

I know what you’re thinking: “We’ve been through some rough years, but we’ve always come out of it together.” That’s true, but I’ve never really forgiven you for 2004. I know it wasn’t easy for you either, but I was the one who really came out hurt when you took USC and Oklahoma to the big dance. To be honest, I have never forgiven you for that, and I can’t trust someone I don’t forgive, and I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.

Bowl Championship Series, every year you try to turn over a new leaf, and ever year you promise to change. Sure, you’re a little different than we when we first met; you’ll just never be the championship series I thought you could be. My expectations are too high. I promise it’s not you – it’s me.

I think you have done a great job this year, and there is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed my mind. I just know that the more I love you, the more I’m making myself vulnerable, and I don’t want to get hurt again.

Just so you don’t ask, there isn’t another national championship that I am seeing. I am not secretly dreaming of a big play-off to come and carry me off, and I don’t think any less of you for losing the AP poll. In fact, I think you’re better off without it. To be honest, I will admit that lately I have been having a lot fun with the SEC Championship. He doesn’t have a big head like you, and I just don’t feel jealous like I do around you. I know it isn’t fair of me to feel this way, but I have just always been jealous of your relationship with some of the so-called national powerhouses. Anyway, he sees teams for who they are.

Don’t be sad that I won’t be pining after you anymore. You’ll get through this just fine. There are thousands of better fans than me who will long after you better than I ever did. It’s not like you won’t see me again. Anytime you want to meet up in January, give me a call; I will be happy to go out with you, but just as friends.

With much regret,

Scott Looney

South Park SEC coaches

How do they think of this stuff?

If you havent checked out theauburner.com, you should. these guys are hilarious and i have no idea how they think these things up. This is a very funny post about the BCS and high school drama movies.
Read it.