The Devil and the Bear

Note: This is written in good fun and is only meant to be funny. Please do not take this seriously. It is my sincere hope that the Bear is indeed in heaven.

On Sunday, Decatur Daily writer Bradley Handwerger wrote an article on the 2006 Iron Bowl. In it was this quote:

"Somewhere in heaven, Paul "Bear" Bryant" must have sat in shock."

It made me laugh. While I'm sure the Bear was in shock, I chuckled at the fact that Handwerger assumed he was in heaven. I cant in fact say that he is not because, well, Im not God. But every account of the Bear I've ever heard stated that even though he was a winner, he was an alcoholic, and not overly friendly. It is common knowledge the he usually had a bottle of Jack in his hand. With that in mind, I have come to the conclusion that Mr Bryant sold his soul to the devil, in exchange for success and championships while at UA. Here is how I think it all went down.

The devil was sitting on top of a rock outside his trailer (in Northport, AL, just outside Tuscalooser) brainstorming on how to gain more support. He brushes over hypnotics, brainwashing, and subliminal messages and agrees that while those might work on a few people, he wanted something that would sweep the area and win him countless number of idiot souls.

Then all of the sudden, a drunk carrying a bottle of Jack and wearing an ugly checkered hat is tumbles into his backyard after running into his clothesline, which his cape was drying on. Another man falling into my alcohol trap, it never fails he thought to himself. After some swift kicks to the head, the man came to. He sat up and looked around and realized who sat in front of him.

"You're. . .y-you're the - !"

"Devil. Yep, thats right. From the look of it, this won't be the last time we meet."

The two conversed for a minute, then Paul had a brilliant idea.

"I have a proposition. Right now, I'm an OK coach, but I want to be great. So great, that people worship me and form a cult in my honor. I want to win championships, cheat and get away with it, and have people dress like me and tattoo pictures of me on their entire back. So, if you can give me these things, you can have my soul."

Now the devil knew that he already had this man's soul. But he envisioned greater things. He thought of all the people who would worship this man, and want to know him and act like him. He knew then he could use this man to gain a large number of souls. The devil of course, would not reveal his plan to Bryant. So he just played along.

"You know what, I think I can do all of those things for you," the devil replied smugly. "Just know when you shake my hand, it is done for good."

The Bear instantly grabbed his hand and shook it rigorously in excitement. "Hell Yeah!" he said. "I'm gonna be the greatest coach in Bama history!"

So as promised, the devil delivered. Bama won many games and 6 championships under the Bear. He created a following so large, that many of those who idolized the Bear passed on this idiotic obsession to their kids and friends, who weren't even alive when it all happened. Many of these didn't even attend the University of Alabama. The devil ended up getting even more souls than he bargained for. Still to this day he wins souls for his cause thanks to the dead drunk. As it turns out, when the Bear died, he didn't even take Bryant's soul. After it was rejected from Heaven, he figured by leaving it in Tuscalooser, it would float around and permeate the place, winning even more souls after people could feel the spirit of the Bear.

Down the road, Auburn people cant help but laugh at the obsession about the Bear and how many people think he is still alive. They know they will never return to the store bought glory that they had experienced.

A few years back, a man named Tommy took the job as the coach at Auburn. God came to him as he slept.

"Tommy, wake up," God called.

"Is that you God?" answered Tommy, as he knew the Lord well.

"Yes, good and faithful servant. I want you to know that I have put you here to defeat Bama. The Bear made a deal with the devil in the past, and I want you to rectify the situation. Everyone knows I'm an Auburn fan, thats why the sun is orange and the sky is blue. I could have prevented the devil to give Bama success, but I let it go so that I could punish them, and let the world see that Auburn is better. Now is that time. Go and share the good news by winning, recruiting, and dominating Bama."

"I will go, Lord. Thank you for choosing me. I promise to glorify you with every win or loss. I will plant your seed in all of my players hearts, making sure that they know that everything is for your glory."

Then God left Tommy, and so it began.

*Since making it a home-home series, Auburn leads 10-2. War Eagle!